THIS WEEK: was about coming home from the hospital in Houston and finding my footing again. It was full of playdates for the kids, yummy treats and meals covered with plastic wrap delivered to our door, tight hugs from the sweetest friends, cherry blossoms outside the kitchen window, so many delicious baby giggles, and lots of contemplation.
On the other side of the spectrum, it was full of sleepless nights, sorting through too many pill bottles over and over, feelings of regret and fear and acceptance, trying to make sense of it all. There were swollen eyes in the morning, signing for his oxygen tank, pleading with him to 'take just one more bite', and making the first big decisions by myself since our marriage. Martin can't stay awake much at all because of his level of pain medication, and the valuable time he is awake is spent trying to get as much food and liquid in him as I can. He's so groggy that he can't keep people or objects or his surroundings straight, and his confusion makes it impossible(and dangerous) to leave him on his own for even a short time.
Last Wednesday was his birthday, as well as our sweet Sophia who turned 5, and I took her on her birthday date without Martin (a tradition that we always look forward to with our kids) while he stayed with family at the house sleeping. I had to hold her hands and try to explain to her why daddy couldn't be with us, but that I know he wanted to more than anything. My kind sisters-in-law threw her an Elsa birthday party per her request, and a sweet friend made her the best cake ever. She had a really wonderful day overall:)
SNAPSHOTS FROM THE WEEK:
Moving forward I plan on writing a more in-depth post of what our experience was at the hospital in Texas, and what our plans are moving forward, so feel free to ask questions below that I can address. The short version though is that our main oncologist there recommended the immunotherapy combination that we were hoping for (that was just approved in the states several months ago), which is kind of the next step of what he's already been doing in Mexico. He wouldn't have many side effects at all from the immunotherapy, but the pain level from the growing tumors in his liver has been so severe, he has to be highly medicated until they shrink- which is the hope. He will be able to get his next infusion of treatment locally(such a blessing), and then every other treatment(they happen every 3 weeks now) will be done in Houston with a set of scans to go with it. The best part of this route I think though, is that results can sometimes be seen as easry as the 6 week scan- which is super dooper fast.
As far as my blog, this space of mine has been such good therapy for me, and such a great outlet for to share things that I love and things that I'm working on, trying out, striving for, and that inspire me to be better. As funny as it may sound for any none-bloggers, I really crave getting my hands on the keyboard and hearing the clack of the keys, but just as I was feeling like our world was flowing smoothly again, the rug really got pulled out from under us again, and this time I feel like it's going up in smoke. It has been a year now so I'm no stranger to all of this, but I'm still sorting out my emotions and feel very confused and broken at times. The rest of the time I'm so so humbled by the kindness and generosity of everyone around me who is pulling together to hold our family up and help us along, and that includes of course the amazing support from you guys:)
There's a fine line between explaining enough about my/our situation so I can move forward, while keeping my sweetheart on the pedestal where he belongs. So my hope is that in putting this information and photos, etc, out there that I can continue to find balance in sharing the right amount, satisfying all angles as best as I can, and
TO-DO's AND GOALS FOR THE WEEK:
- take more time to meditate and find daily peace
- have more patience with my girls
- do something anonymous to make someone else happy
- try to film more everyday moments at home
A FEW FACTS:
- I found in Houston that there wasn't anything quite so relaxing as driving down the road with the windows down, indie music on quietly, and the warm breeze in my face.
- I never thought that I would look forward to siliva on my shoulder and sticky fingerprints on my pants, but after getting home to my babies, those simple things made me so happy.
- I was sure that I made my favorite cinnamon roll, but I was wrong. One of our good friends makes the most amazing one I've ever had, and I'm going to see what I can do about getting it for you guys:)
SOMETHING TO TAKE AWAY:
The man on top of the mountain didn't fall there.
- Vince Lombardi
Did you have a good week? Has your new week been better so far? Thanks so much for visiting,
