These last few hours before the midnight seem to always be when I get my writing in, whenever I actually get some in that is. The sink is full of dishes, and there are several piles of unfolded laundry around me. There are open backpacks, books, legos, ripped papers, lonely socks, an empty cup, barbies, a fuzzy hat, and other odds and ends on the floor, with a Mrs. potato head ear sitting on the coffee table, and yet here I go. My heart is pounding as it does so easily these days, and my hands are shaking slightly. I feel chilled and hot all at once, and my head is aching right behind my eyes. My fear is kicking in, and yet here I go.
I don't really have any messages of motivation or inspiration to share with you today, I just know that I have to type. I don't really have any dreams or goals for the week either beyond making my children laugh as much as possible, and letting the last of the warm sun shine on my face.
I tell myself that I want/need to keep working as much as I can, but I'm still dealing with so many mental blocks that it's been kinda tough to put my thoughts together, so thank you for your patience with the whiplash of ups and downs that have become so consistent in my posts. That's my life now after all:) There have been many days when I smile so big my cheeks hurt, and my heart feels light like it hasn't felt in so long, and then there are other days I feel the crushing grasp of heartache that pulls its big dark cape around me and shuts out the light.
This last weekend was nice in many ways, but also an especially hard one to get through with another anniversary of my dear Martin's passing bringing up many more memories and emotions, both sweet and incredibly painful. I'm so grateful for every photo and video that we have of that beautiful life, which feels like it's a world away now. Every birthday smile captured, every cartoon snuggle pile, each moment preserved and helping to create memories for the little ones as they grow up. I'm also grateful that I finally broke down and took some photos of last six months where he really changed mentally and physically. Ellie seems the most aware of the whole situation as she is the oldest, and seemingly more mature than what most expect of her little 6 year old self. She usually wants to see those last photos, and the pictures from the funeral. She says it helps her to remember how much he was hurting, and to be happier that now he's not hurting anymore. All of these photos will be especially important for the rest of the kiddies to see our life together before his passing, when they're old enough to listen and understand. To know how much he loved them, and how we know we'll see him again someday.
I so wish you were sitting right here on the couch beside me. I wish I could see your face and hear your voice, and that we could really properly talk about things. You'd see the juice spills on my shirt and the wrinkles by my eyes, and we'd talk about sleep schedules or oreo thins, or how your kids are liking school. I'd probably pull a couple half eaten pints of ice cream out of the freezer and offer you a spoon. I'd ask you about your hobbies and your family, what you want to do in the future, and I'd ask you if there was anything you wanted to know about me.
I have many more deep and heavy thoughts to share here, just as I already have so many sweet moments of new beginnings and hope that I can't wait to pass along. Yes, I'll be posting hair tutorials and outfit posts and silly Friday Finds again someday, perhaps shortly, but I won't be taking a poll to see when everyone else feels it's ok for me to do that. I also have plans to have Richard share some thoughts here pretty soon, so be on the lookout for some of his words and insight popping up in the future:)
Wrapping up this train of thoughts as best I can, I guess I just want to convey that there's really no right balance of what to share or not to share here. There's no protocol for situations like mine. With so many many of you reading and with everyone wanting different things, and with so many different opinions and beliefs, I really have to just share what I feel is important to me in the moment, for this online space of mine. It's always been the goal of this blog to uplift and inspire by sharing little snippets of my life through things I'm learning or loving, but that's all they are - snippets. If you like what you see, let me know:) If there's more you want to be shared, feel free to ask for it. If there's something you're seeing or reading here that you'd rather not, the internet is a beautifully vast canvas with many different views able to cater to your own personal fulfillment and happiness.
For me, all I can do now is to try and share both sides of the spectrum moving forward. Mostly that will mean passing on all the happiness and positivity that I can muster, with every now and then letting myself dig deeper to write about the darkest moments of heartache, when I feel the need to. Because while I know this is my space to share what I feel, I also think of all you friends and family following along, and I'm always hoping that the messages and stories shared will be things that will benefit others in at least some small way. That's all I can really hope for.
I don't really have any messages of motivation or inspiration to share with you today, I just know that I have to type. I don't really have any dreams or goals for the week either beyond making my children laugh as much as possible, and letting the last of the warm sun shine on my face.
I tell myself that I want/need to keep working as much as I can, but I'm still dealing with so many mental blocks that it's been kinda tough to put my thoughts together, so thank you for your patience with the whiplash of ups and downs that have become so consistent in my posts. That's my life now after all:) There have been many days when I smile so big my cheeks hurt, and my heart feels light like it hasn't felt in so long, and then there are other days I feel the crushing grasp of heartache that pulls its big dark cape around me and shuts out the light.
I so wish you were sitting right here on the couch beside me. I wish I could see your face and hear your voice, and that we could really properly talk about things. You'd see the juice spills on my shirt and the wrinkles by my eyes, and we'd talk about sleep schedules or oreo thins, or how your kids are liking school. I'd probably pull a couple half eaten pints of ice cream out of the freezer and offer you a spoon. I'd ask you about your hobbies and your family, what you want to do in the future, and I'd ask you if there was anything you wanted to know about me.
I have many more deep and heavy thoughts to share here, just as I already have so many sweet moments of new beginnings and hope that I can't wait to pass along. Yes, I'll be posting hair tutorials and outfit posts and silly Friday Finds again someday, perhaps shortly, but I won't be taking a poll to see when everyone else feels it's ok for me to do that. I also have plans to have Richard share some thoughts here pretty soon, so be on the lookout for some of his words and insight popping up in the future:)
For me, all I can do now is to try and share both sides of the spectrum moving forward. Mostly that will mean passing on all the happiness and positivity that I can muster, with every now and then letting myself dig deeper to write about the darkest moments of heartache, when I feel the need to. Because while I know this is my space to share what I feel, I also think of all you friends and family following along, and I'm always hoping that the messages and stories shared will be things that will benefit others in at least some small way. That's all I can really hope for.
Well that's it for tonight I think. Thank you thank you for always trusting and supporting me, and for staying with me, whiplash and all. ♡
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whiplash - Natural hairstyle for mens and womens