Evening my dears. I feel like it's been a while since I've just sat and started writing without a direction in mind or a topic to go on, but this morning Richard encouraged/pushed me down to the office before he headed out, where I sat down and turned on my computer. Looking up from the screen out the window I could see white everywhere from the first big snowfall, which often helps me feel comforted and at peace. I feel a ramble of sorts coming on, and might do a lot of these types of posts for a while if you can handle them alright:)
There's just so much that I want to share in this space. Ever since I can remember I've loved to write. My earliest journals would turn into fantasy tales with Animorphs and elves, or how my sister and I climbed to the top of mount Everest and jumped off onto the clouds. That turned into begging to set up one of my dad's old windows '95 dell desktops in my bedroom when I was in middle school. I'd stay up late writing pages and pages, and I'd save my poems and stories on floppy discs! Remember those? haha I just loved the feeling of the keys under my fingertips, and the soft rhythmic clicking as I opened up the floodgates in my head and let everything rush out onto the paper or the screen. I would often picture it as pulling a loose thread in a sweater and watching it unravel.
I had many pen-pals all growing up from all over that I kept in regular touch with, and then, of course I wrote to Richard for several years which help nurture that love of expression through writing. After he and I stopped keeping in touch and I got married, I didn't write much until I was nearly ready to deliver Ellie. I discovered my first blog ever randomly, and after following and exploring, I decided to start sharing my own day-to-day life in journal format online privately. It was a journey into an unknown world, an experiment, but overall an outlet. I was still typing as I had for so many years, but this time it felt like I was doing something special with it, even though nobody could read it at that point. :) Hitting publish just felt so much more official, and extremely scary too. I finally started sharing publicly here nearly five years ago now(some of you remember those days!). It was a great way to share the goings on with my family with any friends and relatives interested, while at the same time giving me a place to share my interests and struggles, adventures in photography and cooking, and things I loved or was learning.
Over the years as more people have come here to visit and stay a while, they(you) joined in my mental picture of friends and family that I was writing to. Tens of thousands of you were coming every day. You would comment on things that affected you or excited you, or even just to give encouragement and support. Always support:) You knew/know more about me than most in some ways, simply because you cared to visit and read, over and over for so long. I started asking for feedback and sharing specific things that you guys were interested in learning more about me and my family, recommendations I could give, and answering your questions about things like my favorite curling irons and shoe brands, etc.
My aim has always been and will always be to uplift and inspire with this blog, while simply trying to be a better me than I was yesterday. I just thought that if I could make even one person's day a little bit better by visiting here, that all the effort would be worth it. All the late late nights of code and emails and cropping, etc. To hear that someone had made my soup for their family, or used one of my hair tutorials on their wedding day was and is, so so incredibly rewarding. Starting to earn money from my blog for my own growing family while typing late at night in my basement (making quilts for my Etsy shop during nap time, remember that?!) and taking pictures of our activities together became such an additional blessing from this blog, one I wouldn't fully appreciate until much later. These days the impact is much greater, as is the pressure.
Had I known as a 19-year-old wife and mother what my life would look like today, I might not have decided to share so much, to open up so much. To be in a position so quickly of affecting so many people positively and sometimes negatively has been such a mix of blessing and burden (much more blessing though I promise:)), but I never planned for my blog to end up here, and I certainly never planned for my life to go this way.
I never planned for my sweetheart to be diagnosed with terminal cancer, or to become the bread winner while taking care of him and our five little ones, day in and day out while he slowly faded for nearly year and a half. I never planned to hand off my babies to friends over and over, and to push Marty in a wheelchair at 9 months pregnant through airport terminals and tarmacs, or to try and explain to our kids why he yelled in pain so much, or why he couldn't walk or play with them. I never planned on him forgetting my name, or to have to put on the best smile I could and tell him with every ounce of hope I could muster that it was absolutely all going to be alright, when I was completely broken inside. I never planned to cling to him while he struggled to breathe, or to beg him to please eat just one more bite.
I never planned to cling to his beautiful soft cold hand, or to pick out his casket.
I never planned to become a widow at 25, or to try and take care of all the needs of those five kids while being absolutely shattered myself. Trying to play the role of two full parents at once while not even being one whole person. Trying not to collapse with gratitude onto every visitor who came to offer help. I never planned for the isolation of grief, or the waves of depression and anxiety that overtake and bury me so often. I never planned for my 5-year-old to rub my hair and comfort me as I cried against a shelf at the grocery store, surrounded by exhausted and hungry little ones.
I never planned that someone I had cared so deeply for from my past would come along not long after as an answer to so many thousands of prayers on our behalf. That he would ask the kids for their favorite stories of our dear father and husband and happily look through pictures with them. That he would make them grilled cheese, jump on the trampoline with them, zip up their coats, and hold them on his shoulders. I never planned that that man would literally pick me up and carry me when I couldn't stand or function with grief. That he would crouch with us all at Martin's grave every week to lay flowers. That he would love all 6 of us so selflessly and unconditionally. That he would give up so much to help heal my heart and be a wonderful father figure to the children, and to help us all have some hope and happiness again.
I am so beyond grateful for this place where all our people (that includes you:)) can come to get updates. I'm grateful for all those that could take part in the special and messy and beautiful and hard parts of our lives that couldn't be here in person. Distant family and friends who couldn't meet our new babies in person or manage to come to Martin's funeral, that could still feel included because of the photos and stories I've shared here.
This is my place. My family's place. It's not an open platform for negativity or judgment, selfish opinions, and blind assumptions. It's not a place to vent aggression or jealousy after a bad day of work, and that behavior has not and will never be allowed here. So many of you that may have clicked over out of curiosity or word of mouth, but have stayed with tenderness or love in your heart and supported silently or through comments, etc, you're part of that family. It's about trust and love and mutual understanding. Growing and learning and loving and sharing together the real, raw, beautiful, inspiring parts of everyday life.
So no, I didn't plan any of this to happen when I started blogging, and these feelings of vulnerability, grief, heartache, and fear that have been so heightened since those doctors gave him a few weeks left are stronger than ever now, and honestly they've kept me from typing like this and sharing online over and over again. But it doesn't go away, the need to share. It only builds, and builds, like the growing pressure of a river against a dam. So I'm going to try harder to type more as I've promised so many times in the past. I'm going to try to take more pictures, to share more favorites, to cook more. I'm also going to hope more, and to simply be brave. Not because I expect to make any great difference moving forward or because you need me or my writings at all, but because I need you... now more than ever. I just need to find the right thread, and I think I see it now:)
Thank you so much for reading if you've made it this far, and again, please excuse the rambly posts from here on out:) I hope they make some sense to you kind hearted friends. ♥♥♥
So much love,
There's just so much that I want to share in this space. Ever since I can remember I've loved to write. My earliest journals would turn into fantasy tales with Animorphs and elves, or how my sister and I climbed to the top of mount Everest and jumped off onto the clouds. That turned into begging to set up one of my dad's old windows '95 dell desktops in my bedroom when I was in middle school. I'd stay up late writing pages and pages, and I'd save my poems and stories on floppy discs! Remember those? haha I just loved the feeling of the keys under my fingertips, and the soft rhythmic clicking as I opened up the floodgates in my head and let everything rush out onto the paper or the screen. I would often picture it as pulling a loose thread in a sweater and watching it unravel.
There was so much pleasure and relief when I was able to type for hours. I could feel the pressure in my head lessening. I could feel peace settling over my mind like a soft blanket. The challenge was turning every thought into something understandable, doing the feelings justice with my limited vocabulary. English is really restricting sometimes, isn't it?
I had many pen-pals all growing up from all over that I kept in regular touch with, and then, of course I wrote to Richard for several years which help nurture that love of expression through writing. After he and I stopped keeping in touch and I got married, I didn't write much until I was nearly ready to deliver Ellie. I discovered my first blog ever randomly, and after following and exploring, I decided to start sharing my own day-to-day life in journal format online privately. It was a journey into an unknown world, an experiment, but overall an outlet. I was still typing as I had for so many years, but this time it felt like I was doing something special with it, even though nobody could read it at that point. :) Hitting publish just felt so much more official, and extremely scary too. I finally started sharing publicly here nearly five years ago now(some of you remember those days!). It was a great way to share the goings on with my family with any friends and relatives interested, while at the same time giving me a place to share my interests and struggles, adventures in photography and cooking, and things I loved or was learning.
Over the years as more people have come here to visit and stay a while, they(you) joined in my mental picture of friends and family that I was writing to. Tens of thousands of you were coming every day. You would comment on things that affected you or excited you, or even just to give encouragement and support. Always support:) You knew/know more about me than most in some ways, simply because you cared to visit and read, over and over for so long. I started asking for feedback and sharing specific things that you guys were interested in learning more about me and my family, recommendations I could give, and answering your questions about things like my favorite curling irons and shoe brands, etc.
My aim has always been and will always be to uplift and inspire with this blog, while simply trying to be a better me than I was yesterday. I just thought that if I could make even one person's day a little bit better by visiting here, that all the effort would be worth it. All the late late nights of code and emails and cropping, etc. To hear that someone had made my soup for their family, or used one of my hair tutorials on their wedding day was and is, so so incredibly rewarding. Starting to earn money from my blog for my own growing family while typing late at night in my basement (making quilts for my Etsy shop during nap time, remember that?!) and taking pictures of our activities together became such an additional blessing from this blog, one I wouldn't fully appreciate until much later. These days the impact is much greater, as is the pressure.
Had I known as a 19-year-old wife and mother what my life would look like today, I might not have decided to share so much, to open up so much. To be in a position so quickly of affecting so many people positively and sometimes negatively has been such a mix of blessing and burden (much more blessing though I promise:)), but I never planned for my blog to end up here, and I certainly never planned for my life to go this way.
I never planned for my sweetheart to be diagnosed with terminal cancer, or to become the bread winner while taking care of him and our five little ones, day in and day out while he slowly faded for nearly year and a half. I never planned to hand off my babies to friends over and over, and to push Marty in a wheelchair at 9 months pregnant through airport terminals and tarmacs, or to try and explain to our kids why he yelled in pain so much, or why he couldn't walk or play with them. I never planned on him forgetting my name, or to have to put on the best smile I could and tell him with every ounce of hope I could muster that it was absolutely all going to be alright, when I was completely broken inside. I never planned to cling to him while he struggled to breathe, or to beg him to please eat just one more bite.
I never planned to cling to his beautiful soft cold hand, or to pick out his casket.
I never planned to become a widow at 25, or to try and take care of all the needs of those five kids while being absolutely shattered myself. Trying to play the role of two full parents at once while not even being one whole person. Trying not to collapse with gratitude onto every visitor who came to offer help. I never planned for the isolation of grief, or the waves of depression and anxiety that overtake and bury me so often. I never planned for my 5-year-old to rub my hair and comfort me as I cried against a shelf at the grocery store, surrounded by exhausted and hungry little ones.
I never planned that someone I had cared so deeply for from my past would come along not long after as an answer to so many thousands of prayers on our behalf. That he would ask the kids for their favorite stories of our dear father and husband and happily look through pictures with them. That he would make them grilled cheese, jump on the trampoline with them, zip up their coats, and hold them on his shoulders. I never planned that that man would literally pick me up and carry me when I couldn't stand or function with grief. That he would crouch with us all at Martin's grave every week to lay flowers. That he would love all 6 of us so selflessly and unconditionally. That he would give up so much to help heal my heart and be a wonderful father figure to the children, and to help us all have some hope and happiness again.
I am so beyond grateful for this place where all our people (that includes you:)) can come to get updates. I'm grateful for all those that could take part in the special and messy and beautiful and hard parts of our lives that couldn't be here in person. Distant family and friends who couldn't meet our new babies in person or manage to come to Martin's funeral, that could still feel included because of the photos and stories I've shared here.
This is my place. My family's place. It's not an open platform for negativity or judgment, selfish opinions, and blind assumptions. It's not a place to vent aggression or jealousy after a bad day of work, and that behavior has not and will never be allowed here. So many of you that may have clicked over out of curiosity or word of mouth, but have stayed with tenderness or love in your heart and supported silently or through comments, etc, you're part of that family. It's about trust and love and mutual understanding. Growing and learning and loving and sharing together the real, raw, beautiful, inspiring parts of everyday life.
This is still the same blog that I started years ago. I'm still the same Emily that just wanted to help someone/anyone smile a little more or hope a little more, it's just that now there are more of us in here, and there's more potential. It's not just about new recipes or date ideas or weekend wrap-ups. Martin's warrior story, our family's journey, it's helping to save lives. The fight that we were in and continue in every day, Martin's pain and courage... his faith. People he'll never meet or know about in this life are seeking treatment now and/or are cancer free completely because of the pieces of our story shared here. So many people have come forward to tell me about their journey that started here. That they've saved their marriage, or decided to go forward with starting their family, or that they simply have hope and strength in life and love again. Not because of my typing, but because of our story together. Because of Martin's love and strength, because of my babies' smiles, because of our pain and heartache, because of second chances at love, because of my weakness and frailty. Our humanity, this community:)
So no, I didn't plan any of this to happen when I started blogging, and these feelings of vulnerability, grief, heartache, and fear that have been so heightened since those doctors gave him a few weeks left are stronger than ever now, and honestly they've kept me from typing like this and sharing online over and over again. But it doesn't go away, the need to share. It only builds, and builds, like the growing pressure of a river against a dam. So I'm going to try harder to type more as I've promised so many times in the past. I'm going to try to take more pictures, to share more favorites, to cook more. I'm also going to hope more, and to simply be brave. Not because I expect to make any great difference moving forward or because you need me or my writings at all, but because I need you... now more than ever. I just need to find the right thread, and I think I see it now:)
Thank you so much for reading if you've made it this far, and again, please excuse the rambly posts from here on out:) I hope they make some sense to you kind hearted friends. ♥♥♥
So much love,
from The Freckled Fox http://ift.tt/2gQChUq
finding the right thread - Natural hairstyle for mens and womens
