It feels like I've been trying to write this update for ages, but it's only been about a week now since we sat together in that hospital room, with Martin on the bed and I at his side, holding his hand tightly in mine. A dozen doctors and nurses from his oncology team were standing around that little room with their clipboards. Our main doctor sat on the bed beside me as I looked at Martin's scans and tried to understand what she was saying to us. Some of the charts were just big blurry masses where we should have been able to see his different organs, and she was explaining how the disease was moving so quickly and completely taking over. I could feel my heart getting heavier with every word of her explanation. Then she took a deep breath and said those words so apologetically, "I mean we're talking a few weeks here, maybe."
I can't even explain what that felt like. All I know is that I was holding his warm hand, and I saw our five little babies in my mind, and I knew that no matter what happened to Marty that we would all be together. That our family was forever, and that everything would be OK, no matter what.
Once they were gone, Marty and I just looked at each other for a while in silence. I saw so many different memories in his beautiful eyes, and so many different emotions flooded through me as I thought back on our short-but full-life together so far. We talked about things that I'll keep to myself, but then once he was asleep I left the room and made a few calls. The doctors were stopping all treatment of Martin's cancer and moving us upstairs to palliative care so that simply managing Martin's pain, and getting us back to our children could become the top priority. They sent people to help arrange a life-flight to take us home, as well as to help set up hospice care to meet us once we arrived.
So, I don't really know how to describe what I'm thinking or where my mind is, as every emotion is kindof blended together lately. What I usually say to people is that I've been at this for over a year already, which in itself has been a blessing. There's been so many different feelings in our house this past week though. So much paperwork, so many caring visitors, so much thinking and planning and praying. There's also been no shortage of treats delivered, hugs given, and hope. Always hope.
So,
thank you for your never-ending love and positivity. I feel so
incredibly lucky and blessed to have so many angels behind us through this whole last year. Every time I got online this last week especially and saw sweet comments from so so many of you, encouraging me to update, sharing our story, spreading our fundraiser, sending messages of hope and concern and understanding, or ways in which our ordeal has helped or changed you in some positive way. That's what's kept my head up through all of this, and that's what's going to keep me going no matter what may happen to my sweetheart or to my family.
So much love for you all,
from The Freckled Fox http://ift.tt/1sSxPW5
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